Please Don't Hug Me by Kay Kerr

Author:Kay Kerr
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Text Publishing Company
Published: 2020-03-19T16:00:00+00:00

9 September

Dear Rudy,

Yeah, that last letter was pretty angry. Funnily enough, I’m not sorry. Why should I be sorry for my anger? It has just as much right to exist as my more palatable emotions. I don’t care if you don’t agree. Sometimes there is strength in quietness, and sometimes I need to be loud.

Did Mum visit you today? She was dressed like that might be something she was going to do. She didn’t say anything, but I don’t think she’d mention it to me if she was. She doesn’t want Ollie and me to go, and I’m not sure if that’s because she’s protecting us or because she likes to go alone. The only way I know she visits is because I can hear her talking to Dad from my bedroom at night if the TV isn’t on. The TV is usually on.

So I’ve been thinking, Rudy, it’s pretty weird that I don’t know if you’ve ever had a relationship. That seems like something a sibling should know. I know you had girls in your life, because I bumped into a few of them on midnight bathroom visits, but you never brought anyone home in daylight hours. I have wondered if that was a reflection on our family, or on me, and I’ve wondered if it says something about you that I couldn’t quite figure out. You were never exactly one to volunteer any dating insight and I never asked. If you were here right now I’d ask you about breaking up with someone.

That’s because I learned today that breaking up with someone is not something I’m very good at. I’m so bad at it, in fact, that Mitch didn’t even realise I was breaking up with him, so it seems we’re still together. I tried, but somehow I didn’t get the result I wanted. It was like I had called up the phone company to cancel my plan and the person on the other end had convinced me to sign on for another twelve months instead. I invited Mitch to come for a walk with me to the point, because I thought that was a good place to get some privacy. I didn’t want to go to a restaurant, because then if I got the breakup done and the food was still on its way or we hadn’t finished eating, it would be horribly awkward and no fun for either of us.

We sat on the pier for a few minutes, looking out over the water to Stradbroke Island. Minjerribah. It looks like it’s right there but it’s actually pretty far away.

I started out with the whole ‘we need to talk’ line, which I think is pretty classic. I clasped my hands and looked at his nose because it was as close I could come to looking at his eyes. He nodded his head and didn’t say anything. I told him I’d liked having him as a boyfriend and that he is a good person. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I want to believe it, so I said it to try it out.

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